i cannot allow myself to believe
that our stars are aligned
i cannot allow myself the luxury of thinking
that the planets under which we were born
have destined us to orbit each other
i cannot allow
the spiders' threads we have cast over the years
to turn into webs, trapping each
for the other's future feast

but when i gaze skyward i feel your reach
when i look inward i see that you have taken up residence
and i wonder if i have done the same to you
though i dare not ask

i must imagine the physical distance between us
as locked doors
or brick walls
or boarded windows
impassible
barred
for my own protection and yours
but it is easier said than done

for when i hear your voice it feels as though my heart is shuddering back to life
from a dead sleep i was not aware it was in
and it frightens me
-more than i care
nor dare
to admit-
that it has always been this way

the more i try to turn my head
the more vividly you appear in my dreams
my peripheral vision, so to speak

even writing this, now, i fear what is to come