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Mar 22
Who needs a box of Sandwiches, who needs a plump Pork Pie
Snap those flimsy plastic Knifes, and bleed your Hip Flask dry
***** up your Paper Serviettes, kiss Plates and Cups goodbye
The War on Picnics has begun, and Coffee Beans will die

Bar B Q's will let them burn, checked Blankets can be ripped
Don't squeeze those juicy Oranges, all Bananas must stay zipped
Lock away your Wicker Baskets, cos Yogi's post is piped
The average bear has had his day, and smartness will be stripped

Cobs of Corn are wilting; they can't believe their ears
Asparagus has now been thrown, along with all the spears
Fresh Cream is left to curdle, Milk shaking through the fears
Too many Hops have been deflowered, so stick your crate of Beers

Who wants your Cheese and Onion, spin on my Sausage Roll
The march of Walkers has commenced, and Crisps have gone Awol
Let Iceberg Lettuce melt away, toss out that Salad Bowl
Tuna Fish has just got canned, so has the Dover Soul

Vanilla in an Ice Cream Cone, that's frozen to the scoop
Hard Boiled Eggs are going soft, so they've all flown the coop
A ****** on a Cocktail Stick, one ***** that's on the droop
Ripe Tomatoes are now squashed, pack up your Cup a' Soup

Chicken has turned rather fowl, Ham is now wafer thin
Kitchen Roll has given up, their towels have been thrown in
Farmhouse Loafs caught Cottaging, will take it on the chin
Candy Floss is so confused, and gone into a spin

Pizzas have fell like Domino's, they refuse to leave the Hut
Oyster shells are clamming up, so they are staying shut
Quarter Pounders lost their purposes, now they can't bust a gut
The bluntness of cheep Meat Cleavers, just didn't make the cut

The revolution of French Fries, cos they've all had their Chips
Slavery has come to pass, amongst the Walnut Whips
All Smoothies have had it rough, no blend without the Pips
Escargot are much to slow, so they can't pass my lips

Spaghetti tried to slip away, because it doesn't give a Fork
It's hairy for the Coconuts, but they're too shy to talk
Pepsi has been smoking Coke, as well as pulled Roast Pork
The Battering of the northern Puds, has forced them back to York

All the Grapes are souring; they have good cause to Wine
Nuts are turning to bad Seeds, upon the lonesome Pine
Pigs say that Bacon rationing, "is really just a swine"
We've grounded our Black Pepper, and of coarse it's now too fine

Fallen Fruits are badly bruised, too hard for any healings
A Jacket that once was snug, lost in Potato Peelings
Jelly has thrown a wobbler, why Trifle with its feelings
Biscuits forced into a Jam, so no more Dodgy dealings

Those Chillies are so lazy, Watercress will stay in bed
It's as easy as a piece of Cake, but the Beetroots seeing red
Margarine has hardened up, and the news has not been spread
Beef Wellington has had the boot, and there's nowhere else to tread

Apples are forbidden fruit, and Ribs are going spare
The Pastry has flaked away, from my sweet Chocolate Γ‰clair
Will Lady Godiva ride again, to show off her lovely Pear?
Pringles popped and cannot stop, but they decline to share

Salad Dressing that gets caught, well isn't that just rude?
All the Kebabs are angry, because their Vegetables are skewed
Bottles are remaining corked; it looks like we are *******
Food unwrapped will go to waste, now that its in the ****

My Candelabra's round the twist, and it's getting on my wick
Pineapple Chunks and Silver Skins, are sliding down the stick
Unsliced Bread on your doorstep, I'm afraid it's much too thick
Fields of Crops aren't dusted off, so you can't take your pick

Peperami was an animal, but now he's just a yob
Gourmet food has lost its class, and turned into a slob
My Butter has now melted, Lurpak has got no ****
Donut holes are being filled, so ******* PC Plod

The Salt is in the Cellar, Sugar has got the Cane
Lollipops have all been licked, Crackers have gone insane
SoufflΓ©s refuse to even rise, and Tea has felt the strain
Frankfurter has to face Riff Raff, and won't be sweet again

Tarts who've lost their Cherries, are no longer sat on top
Unlucky Scones have been let go, so they've all felt the drop
Beans have done a Runner; fizzy drinks have all gone Pop
Cops are giving us a fine, cos they want Picnics to stop
On 6th January 2021 two friends were fined Β£200 each for travelling just five miles to Foremark Reservoir in Derbyshire for their daily exercise.
Jessica Allen and Eliza Moore were surrounded by police officers in the car park shortly after arriving in separate vehicles.
Both ladies were read their rights and was told that the hot drinks they were carrying were not allowed as they were "Classed as a picnic"

It seems a bit extreme to confiscate a cup of coffee and classify it as a picnic and maybe a case of over zealousness on the part of the Derbyshire police officers.
Incidents of this nature over the past year are increasing and as a result of this I have been inspired to write about it.
This poem is just a small part of a bigger document but I thought it was worthy of its own posting
Unfortunately the document in question is too large to post in its entirety so maybe I will have to post it in sections as I was going to post a link
As a small bonus I have also re wrote the Teddy-Bears Picnic to fit in with this situation I hope you enjoy them thanks for reading.

Coffee Becomes A Picnic:
If you go down to the lake today well that is a big mistake
If you go out for a walk today there's officers on the make
For ever cop that ever there was will gather there for certain because
Today's the day when coffee becomes a picnic

Every bent cop will be there to take your treats away
There's lots of marvellous things to steal including your steamed latte
Beneath their knees whenever they please
They'll lurk and prey then issue large fees
Cos that's the way the coppers define a picnic

Picnic time for two young girls
It's only two young girls walking around the park today.
Stalk them, catch them unawares
It's no picnic when drinks go astray

There are many cops about
So don't you scream and shout
They're arresting women in pairs
By six o'clock you're treated like baddies and they'll take you instead
Because they're trained in illicit affairs

If you go out for a walk today you better go on your own
It's lovely down at the lake today, but your safer to stay at home
Cos every cop that ever there was will issue fines for certain
Because the day has come when coffee is now a picnic
Written by
   Rich Hues
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