I always thought
If I kept my head down
Avoided obvious dangers
And minded my own business
I'd be safe

But...
There is no such thing as safe
Life interferes with what you had planned
I never thought that I would be in this place
At this time and
I'm sad

I feel like there is a clock ticking
And I am running out of time
Which I did not make good use of
So I am, waiting for the other shoe to drop
Death

And I am scared
Not so much of dying...That is a gimme
But of not really living
Or loving
Or being loved

I just cannot seem to let myself be vulnerable
To let someone in
How does one do that?
Let down carefully crafted walls
Sometimes I think I am getting better at it
And then I take two steps back -

So, I like this guy
And I
Have used every angle
To explain why I shouldn't like him

I'm too old (for him)
He's too young (for me)
I'm fat
He's not
I'm not beautiful
He is
He is radiant
I am weary
I do not know why he likes me
I know why I like him

Outside of the
He is tall
And good looking
He is sweet
He takes care of things
He is  funny
He gives great hugs

Why I can't see past what I lack
To see what I may have
Is it so bad that I want him?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Yes when I think about age
Or size
No when I think about how I feel in his arms

What do I do?
I hate it when I don't see him
Over the moon when I do

How can I let go
When I am bracing myself for a fall?