Hi to everyone reading this.
I just needed to write this after a particularly depressing day with the thoughts in my head, and because I feel so lonely, and this is, I hope, a safe space to express that.
It's been years since I went home, and I can't go now because of travel restrictions during this **** pandemic, I miss my family and it sometimes feels it's been so long since I felt genuinely free and happy. I'm reverting to old addictive habits to cope, which are detrimental to my mental health, because I don't know what else to do, also because I don't know if there is an end to this, to keep holding on. I miss my friends, and it's been months since I met any of them. I haven't seen people my own age for what seems like forever, and I'm afraid I'm becoming something I don't recognize, that I dislike. My career feels like it's at a dead end because job search during this time is heading nowhere, and I've been looking for nearly a year now, while working at a job I really hate. It's no use opening up to people in my own life because I've done that enough and more times than I can count, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record about things I cannot change. I'm sick of lockdowns and restrictions and stay-at home orders and social distancing and feeling so utterly hopeless I can't breathe at times.
I know I'm privileged, I know I'm lucky in so many ways and that there are so many in the world in a worse position than my own. So it feels absolutely ****** to even write all this down. But I don't know how to deal with all of this and I'm feeling so, so tired that I fear I may do something I regret. I am scared and hopeless and at a loss. Everything hurts, and every breath seems like a waste.
I'm looking for help, but I don't know how to help myself because I feel so useless. It seems pointless.
If anyone reads this, please know that I am trying, I am fighting very hard. But today may be the day I give up because I do not see the point anymore. **** covid. **** this pandemic. **** everything.