I don’t know what to do anymore?
Where do I go when no matter where I turn I disappoint someone?
I hurt someone?
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be content and safe.
Why is it handed so easily to those who take it for granted?
I wanna wake up in the morning and wonder what good lies ahead instead of fearing what shoe is left to fall today.
Im tired of always having to prepare myself for the bad to come and to be the one to pick up the pieces.
For once I wanna be the irresponsible one who gets to wreak havoc and not suffer any consequences.
I don’t wanna worry about failing.
About disappointing.
I fear the happiness I crave so badly.
Happiness for me never brings anything but double the madness I already had before.
The madness that ensues always insures that I regret that shred of happiness I felt just that blink before.
A blink.
That’s all it ever seems to be.
I look around and see happy little families wander around all day.
I help to create the memory that 20 years from now just may end up to be one of the most cherished memories of said family.
Meanwhile I look out at them with rage, jealousy, lust, envy, and most of all sadness.
Once upon a time that was my family.
If I had only known then what I know now I would have closed myself off to the happiness.
Why is it no matter how hard I try its not good enough.
Im not good enough.
I want such simple things in life.
A family to call my own.
To cherish and preserve the way I wish those around me would have cherished and most of all preserved mine when I was younger.
To feel safe, warm, and content.
To feel like I made something of myself.
Something to be proud of.
Something those around me could be proud of.
Meanwhile there are a million people in life handed these opportunities and waste them.
Take them for granted, wishing it all away.
Never knowing how suffocating what they are wishing for feels or how lucky and valuable what they are wishing away is.
Never realizing how much they should be cherishing the security they have been granted is.a
Oh well I know im doing the best I can.
Question is is it enough to get me to where I wanna be or am I doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again?
And if that may be the case will I ever figure out what I did to deserve such cruelty?