I can’t choke it back
the feeling
lascivious.
Hissing
the word is fitting

Malevolence
rock solid.
How do I know
what this feels like?
Can’t I choke it back?
Touch anyways?

Wake, drenched in sweat.
Angels take my dreams
take them, take them please.  
Peel back the heavy
floral scratching duvet.

There’s a boy and a girl
a girl and a boy
in a bed
a bed big and wide
and full of girl girl girl boy.
I don’t like that side.

Come with me won’t you?
Personal barrier reef, exempt I suppose
and you didn’t want to
scared
you were scared
and I was scared.

I can’t choke it back.
Blue panels, outside
the dirt hill we played on
ants on their mound
you can see it from the window.
It’s always cold in this room
full of ghosts and fog
thick grey suffocating.

Radiator bangs startle.
The mattress against the wall
slam against it full speed.
Dizzy.
Why was there a mattress
against the wall?

I tense. There’s something there
two inches too far back
I can’t quite grasp.
A feeling,
the way my stomach goes acidic
and my knees draw together.

Buzzing in my head. Flies.
They bombard my orifices
nose mouth ears
I can’t breath
can’t hear

Delicate vulnerability plays out
grab, tighter now, laugh.
I go numb
arms limp, useless.
Veins stop pumping
my cold blood
and eyes take it upon themselves
to warm the face.

It’s getting better.
Grab me hard,
I barely cry now
just shake, numb
and separate
body and mind.
Oil and water.