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Jan 2021 · 112
A meditation on self worth
Maya Jan 2021
I am leftovers
disappointing takeout
you spent too much money on
(you're supposed to be saving)
sitting in the back of the fridge
guilt keeping me there long past expiration
though I'm inedible

I like to hope that my stomach aches
and sluggish breath, heavy head
are symptoms of childhood dramatics
turned teenage angst
when I'm evicted from my teens
I'll probably call it a quarter life crisis
even so, I've accepted its permanence

I wish on dandelion fluff
variations of the same thing
that one morning I'll wake
from a night of giggles with people I love
swallow down papaya tablets
and the sickening feeling will actually dissolve

My happy is like hot glue
dripped on fingers - accidental
quick to stick
when it cools it molts
takes my fingerprints with it
leaving my finger tips raw

I can't keep secrets, especially my own
they like to creep up my throat
slither out unannounced
while I'm on car rides; restless
they can't hold still for the four hours
that get me everywhere I know now

I used to be incapable of shutting my eyes
when the cosmetologist rinsed my hair
it felt like a trick
like shed crack my neck on the sink
as soon as I relaxed
instead I'd count ceiling tiles to avoid eye contact

Now I feel proud
when I fall asleep on the train
or with someone else in my bed
I count how long I can squeeze
my eyes shut in the cereal aisle
forcing trust to prove something to myself
Jan 2021 · 107
Bones II
Maya Jan 2021
I'm not obsessed with bones anymore
how they sound hollow
when tapped and prodded

I don't think about it anymore
hooking my fingers beneath, ripping
to crack open a wish

I barely imagine anymore
prying open all twenty four
to expose lungs, heart, liver

I almost never fantasize anymore
about pushing them back in tighter
the satisfying ache of missing pieces

I guess I still think about it
Undated, Sometime December 2020
Maya Dec 2020
I have a fever
sweat through my shirt
50° heat
cool air, warm seats  

The road, the ocean
pulling,
it would be so easy

Dream like, half gone
lobotomized state
391 miles till I dead end
maybe i never dead end

Shocked awake
acid climbing stomach ache
I know what I’m doing

Reevaluate
hot cold lung ache
icy breathing
fever break

Whisper, I’m ok, ok, ok, ok
headlight stains
red draining brain

Rub and run, loosen
peel, reveal
sinew beneath
breathe, breathe, breathe
Dec 2020 · 56
hypothesis
Maya Dec 2020
I can’t choke it back
the feeling
lascivious.
Hissing
the word is fitting

Malevolence
rock solid.
How do I know
what this feels like?
Can’t I choke it back?
Touch anyways?

Wake, drenched in sweat.
Angels take my dreams
take them, take them please.  
Peel back the heavy
floral scratching duvet.

There’s a boy and a girl
a girl and a boy
in a bed
a bed big and wide
and full of girl girl girl boy.
I don’t like that side.

Come with me won’t you?
Personal barrier reef, exempt I suppose
and you didn’t want to
scared
you were scared
and I was scared.

I can’t choke it back.
Blue panels, outside
the dirt hill we played on
ants on their mound
you can see it from the window.
It’s always cold in this room
full of ghosts and fog
thick grey suffocating.

Radiator bangs startle.
The mattress against the wall
slam against it full speed.
Dizzy.
Why was there a mattress
against the wall?

I tense. There’s something there
two inches too far back
I can’t quite grasp.
A feeling,
the way my stomach goes acidic
and my knees draw together.

Buzzing in my head. Flies.
They bombard my orifices
nose mouth ears
I can’t breath
can’t hear

Delicate vulnerability plays out
grab, tighter now, laugh.
I go numb
arms limp, useless.
Veins stop pumping
my cold blood
and eyes take it upon themselves
to warm the face.

It’s getting better.
Grab me hard,
I barely cry now
just shake, numb
and separate
body and mind.
Oil and water.
Dec 2020 · 101
Slither
Maya Dec 2020
I placate the serpent in my belly
Comfort food and pills
And fetal regression.
I try to swallow it down
With lavender tea and warm milk
But it slithers up my throat
Not quite strong enough
To fully extricate itself.
The scales tickle my throat
Forcing reticent groans.
If it works it's way out
it will swallow me whole.
In short, my anxiety makes me feel like I'm about to *****.
Nov 2020 · 74
Back Home
Maya Nov 2020
The leaves crackle
beneath boots heavy
with our tension.

The thread winds
and it winds
and it winds,
stretched taut

with every word
yelled quietly.
A game of telephone

family gossip factory
pumping out misspoken
and misheard
words. Peacemaker

sticking their nose in the
cerulean fire.
On forced walks

we pick pinecones
and get pricked
by their sharp
edges hard enough

to cause pain,
not quite to bleed.
Outside the pine walls

where my windpipe
can fall open
hearth smoke drifts and congests
and it smells like autumn.
Nov 2020 · 58
Walk in the Woods
Maya Nov 2020
The hydrangeas look tired
In the well kempt yards
They look thirsty, gasping
Like they can't breathe
They remind me of old friends
They remind me of me

It makes me sad
That I get used to the smell
Of the dirt, the cold Earth
And the flowers and trees
And even the sea.
They all smell like nothing eventually.

I can hear the stream
Way down in the gorge
I can hear the leaves falling
Soft and slow
From the canopy
To the gentle valley below

Most birds don't sing
So sweet and so kind
They chitter hysterically
Sharply, calling out
For some sort of lifeline
Maybe just each other

I wish the Earth could embrace me
I do what I can to accept the gracious
Reassurance of its magnetic energy
Taking solace in the knowledge
That eventually the ground will envelop me
And I'll dissolve; Raindrop to the sea.
Maya Nov 2020
wade into the Ocean

knee deep or so

shut your eyes tight

feel the sand - solid

- beneath your toes.

begin to slip

unsteady, afraid of the unknown

hear it in the waves

as it bites and it roars

it's telling you something

the sharp needle pain

can become a whisper

a firm embrace

if you listen long enough
Nov 2020 · 106
Exhaustion
Maya Nov 2020
EXHAUSTED
slips from my lips
like a sigh
abandoned
not halfway through
for a yawn.

EXHAUSTED
silent H, obvious
in my mouth.
Like sharing
too many words;
unnecessary.

EXHAUSTED
synonym for
the sick stomach squeezing
feeling, barely breathing
through tentacles
entwining my insides.
Sep 2020 · 106
Bathrooms
Maya Sep 2020
There is something
so familiar
about fluorescent lights
and white tile;
it's so familiar
my stomach aches.

I think it comes
from the times
I laid myself bare
in bathroom stalls;
safe havens
of false privacy,
a reliable friend.

The trash receptacles
that held words
that choked
my fifteen year old throat.

The faithful ceiling fans
that ****** up
my desperate
time killing smoke.

The scratched up mirrors
I'd stare into
without even
seeing myself.

I could sit for hours
hot head on the cool tile
the bright lights
tiring my eyes,
tasting salt,
and smelling the cheap
pink soap,
feeling the heavy
comfort, like home.
March 20 something, 2020
Sep 2020 · 46
Sedated
Maya Sep 2020
Sipping milk
from the river Styx

Head grows soft
brains degrade

Mush
oozing out

Slow, slow, slow
dripping

Like the tired rain
on the window pane

Crystal
clear once

Now fog fills
the cracks
Written in April, 2020
Jun 2018 · 258
5.23.18
Maya Jun 2018
the grime reflects light,
blanched and unclean.
the dirt needs
a soft sweep.
mop away the impurities-
don't they disgust?-
but soap can't wash
them from us.

the bath water turns milky
and green like the aura
of the ***** girl
drowning in flora
to become a soft flower.
clean and bleached,
she isn't as good as the others.

the facade is gone
and a demon shone.
it's in the skin
and inhabits the bone.

blood red flesh
cuts open the green-
the prettiest purification
you've ever seen-
and tries to make the thing clean;
the mirrors harsh light
reflects it- not quite right-
to the viewers foolish eye.

and so it has been left
to writhe
like a snake in a bowl.
lonely, lonely, still.
not like the other seeds
that will grow and plant
themselves in an elegant dance.
May 2018 · 372
limits
Maya May 2018
warm water,
sink beneath-
engulfed;
don't breath-
calm
settles over,
heart beat slows;
dying, dying, slowly.
gasp!
for air
lungs filled,
heart quickens.
12/21/17
May 2018 · 61
finger food
Maya May 2018
there is an exacto knife
that looks like a pizza
cutter.

it feels special
although I know it’s
just another

random thought
invading my head
telling me to
hide in bed.
This ones about an intrusive thought I used to get a lot telling me to cut off my fingers with a specific exacto knife :-/
May 2018 · 3.5k
bones
Maya May 2018
what sound do you make
when your bones hit the floor?
heavy like the noise
of a slamming door.
light as a bird, bones do sound
soft as whispered words.

when they are ripped
from your body, a little,
you’ll look pretty and brittle
and breakable; little china doll,
I advise you not to fall.

tapping on bones, like sticks,
little drummer boys
make a war cry noise.
the battlefield is invisible
until it’s not, and your skin prickles.

fingers, bony spiders, crawl
hurting, tearing it all.
barren like a desert
the bones do seem
bleached and white,
like a mother that weeps.

gravestone bones like little dancers.
strong as milk, shatter army advances
in you; they sabotage you,
then they try to break through
and crack and bend.
they’ll be out!
they’ll be much better then-

but your body, made of jelly
misses the commensalism.
bones, they create a schism
between mind and body.
they’re ever so naughty.
May 2018 · 227
devoured
Maya May 2018
the grey swallows me whole;
headaches, emptiness
replace my mind and soul.

it's too light to sleep through;
it's too dark to wander, too.

alone, I will lay
sleep may come,
and the dusk will turn to day.

but the dusk doesn't end,
it only lets the sun appear once,
my cracked skull it will mend.

the dark comes every year
and I remind myself,
the beginning of light is near.

— The End —