So whats it going to be?

I have choices to make
And its so hard to see clearly these days
Its so hard to stay moving
Positive
I feel like I'm drowning in trying to keep up
In striving to remain hopeful
I feel like I've been abandoned and left so much
I feel like so many instances
Have chosen to turn away from me
It makes me just want to light it all
Myself on fire.

I reach and I reach
I reach and I reach
I'm always reaching, always hoping
To be met with love
Because I have so little to give myself
And things, people, instances
Leave me feeling like in that reach
Maybe somehow I'll get a different result.

So I exited the grid.
Turned my phone and messages off
I'm so sick of faking it
I'm so sick of pretending like I got this
I'm so tired of behaving like I actually care.

I showed up in LA
And the only real friend or solace I have
Is the sun
The dust
And looking up at the palms.

I always note their layer of shedded skin
And how its warm in Decemeber
I'm paying the highest rent I've ever paid
To be so far away from my love
I met right before I left
To have friends and the organization
With a clamoring heat
Turn away from me
In such a loud harmful way
I'm just doing all I can to lick my wounds
And somehow find positivity again.

I'm supposed to be writing a movie
I'm supposed to be pushing things forward
I need to do and be all these things
And I just feel mostly reduced to nothing.

I'm tired of listening to people talk about their demands
I'm sick of people playing out their own fears and desires
Through me
Like the little sponge I am
And I absorb every little second
It's what made me an incredible actress.

And the world may never know
Because somewhere along the way I decided
The world needed me controlling and creating
Those stories more than it needed me to
Be a beautiful haunting or humorous presence
On the screen.

So what now?

Thats the thought I always return to.
I'm the most alone I've ever been
And I don't need love to be my constant support
But I do need it to be my safe haven.