and if i called out tonight? would i see your four pointed star again? i would like to see it! ///// vents: there’s always the need for me to somehow simultaneously rely on someone for everything yet at the same time i need to deal with it all myself — how can i do both? why hurt myself snd others more? if it’s strength they want me to get then i will continue to tread the mountains alone — i don’t need any luck or good words or any other sayings out of simulation-virtue: they all are fake words because they are finalized and a way to slip back into the goings and currents of your own fantasy — **** that. i will cut these gazes out. all of them. “strength” and “backbone” means to suffer alone in silence which is the most apparent thing everyone who i have ever encountered has taught me/told me. the unity of humanity is inconceivable! there is more weight on Ego than there is on Us. the Us becomes separated. it all becomes separated. more parts. more parts. i don’t want parts. i want whole.

this is my right, then. my own deal and my own lot, then. here is my Ego. i will reject this separation until i have accepted it: becoming-separation. they have wanted me to suffer alone and in silence, they have wanted me to carry it on my own, and that i will. for everyone will sigh with a relief to have another weight off their shoulder. everyone will smile to watch someone else take upon their burdens, their own, and others, while they remain free and selfish. while i will take on the weight and boulders of the world and my own. for all the selfishness i have experienced, selflessness will pour from me. for the selfless ones who have kissed my cheeks they will become above itXxXthe world will not reflect upon them.