Jul 2013
Sometimes when I think too much my
brain just turns to mush.
But it still works
The neurons still firing
The blood still pumping
Still searching for the logical
Illogical.
This is my release
how it pours forth.
Feelings were never allowed...
At least the feelings I had
Have.
Not the feelings I was 'supposed' to have.
They were and are irrelevant because they are
Not Yours.
What felt by me never accepted,
Never even allowed to say.
So Now.
When I want to communicate my feelings
My desires
My Love
I cannot.
There is just below
Zero self worth.
How could there be any?
When were there moments where this
Was good enough
When I was more than expected?
These words
and painful concentration
are all I've ever had.
Validation of these words my only worth,
Yet I always feel they could be better...
Maybe it takes a while to Trust,
Maybe I Trust too easily
I always seem to feel scorned
Thought I had one solid Friend
With which that did not happen
Nothing was a competition,
everything was fair
everything could share
Except not,
because I know you don't share all
And won't bare forth
So why am I expected to melt?
My being cast down by this constant light
Burning my flesh,
my spirit to the ground.
4, 5 feet,
How many left to travel?
Then there is You.
I think of you...
in the back of my mind and these words
Find Breath.
Everything breathes easier with you.
So I cherish those moments,
Those moments where maybe
I actually felt like Me.
or who I want to Be.
So those Tokens remain important
As do You.
And my wish,
that I cause Smiles...
Small moments of bliss
As easily as you do for me...
I try so hard, yet it remains
A wish.
When I walk,
I constantly kick the gravel
The weight of my head
too much for my neck...
This piling dirt too heavy to withstand.
Confidence gone,
if ever actually there.
I assume that there is nothing
No future reference
of
Me.
These words my actual thoughts,
One place I'm allowed to be Real.
Things change after moments
which we cannot take back.
All I want is to feel appreciated
To feel like I Matter
Life I make an influence,
That I can Impact
That my presence does make a difference.
All I want is to go back to how it was,
Before actions turned things around
As I knew they would.
Which is why things stay Hidden.
Just accepted that No one will feel.
But I want us to grow.
Become better than what was.
You don't have to change your actions,
That would be changing You.
I already love You.
Wouldn't want to change.
How do I learn to communicate verbally?
Without this pen as my
Striking Weapon.
How can I feel comfortable
Saying my inner emotions?
Always vulnerability
Always fear.
But with You
somewhere I Know
You're Listening.
So this paper version of Me
is given Breath.
Forced off the page and is Real.
How I wish that Power was Known.
So here again left with these thoughts,
Always Searching
Not always relevant.
But if I could just ask a question...
What does your brain prattle on about?
When no one is talking,
When things are quiet,
When walking, driving,
Being Alone?
What happens inside,
Where does the mind run?
Because if someone has a way
To turn this off,
To preoccupy with something else
To make this Stop.
I urge you to share.
Then again,
it must be boring in your mind...
Sometimes it leads to an adventure,
An incredible concept
A beautiful Thought.
How many have you had?
Why must I be the one to change?
Learn who I Am.
Who I am becoming.
Do not force ideals down my throat.
My opinion is strong,
This often obvious.
Do not feed me lines
and hurtful phrases when I know
You've done the same,
done worse
And Smile and the memories.
Recognize that I am a Person
With strong,
cognitive Thoughts.
Feeding me these lies
and Tantrums
will send me the opposite way.
There is no instructing
Guidance.
Act of Love.
Simply commands.
Follow orders.
When told not to push the red button
Do you not desire to
Only push the button?
Stop giving me reasons
But also know that a lot of this is
For Me.
Not to make you mad,
Or go against you purposely.
I want these things,
Desire for many years.
It's unfortunate you do not approve,
That it will disappoint
But it will Happen.
All that is left is this hell bending effort
to say how I feel
Regardless of the outcome
Because I cannot live life
Without acting upon my
Desires.
**July 11, 2013
brain just turns to mush.
But it still works
The neurons still firing
The blood still pumping
Still searching for the logical
Illogical.
This is my release
how it pours forth.
Feelings were never allowed...
At least the feelings I had
Have.
Not the feelings I was 'supposed' to have.
They were and are irrelevant because they are
Not Yours.
What felt by me never accepted,
Never even allowed to say.
So Now.
When I want to communicate my feelings
My desires
My Love
I cannot.
There is just below
Zero self worth.
How could there be any?
When were there moments where this
Was good enough
When I was more than expected?
These words
and painful concentration
are all I've ever had.
Validation of these words my only worth,
Yet I always feel they could be better...
Maybe it takes a while to Trust,
Maybe I Trust too easily
I always seem to feel scorned
Thought I had one solid Friend
With which that did not happen
Nothing was a competition,
everything was fair
everything could share
Except not,
because I know you don't share all
And won't bare forth
So why am I expected to melt?
My being cast down by this constant light
Burning my flesh,
my spirit to the ground.
4, 5 feet,
How many left to travel?
Then there is You.
I think of you...
in the back of my mind and these words
Find Breath.
Everything breathes easier with you.
So I cherish those moments,
Those moments where maybe
I actually felt like Me.
or who I want to Be.
So those Tokens remain important
As do You.
And my wish,
that I cause Smiles...
Small moments of bliss
As easily as you do for me...
I try so hard, yet it remains
A wish.
When I walk,
I constantly kick the gravel
The weight of my head
too much for my neck...
This piling dirt too heavy to withstand.
Confidence gone,
if ever actually there.
I assume that there is nothing
No future reference
of
Me.
These words my actual thoughts,
One place I'm allowed to be Real.
Things change after moments
which we cannot take back.
All I want is to feel appreciated
To feel like I Matter
Life I make an influence,
That I can Impact
That my presence does make a difference.
All I want is to go back to how it was,
Before actions turned things around
As I knew they would.
Which is why things stay Hidden.
Just accepted that No one will feel.
But I want us to grow.
Become better than what was.
You don't have to change your actions,
That would be changing You.
I already love You.
Wouldn't want to change.
How do I learn to communicate verbally?
Without this pen as my
Striking Weapon.
How can I feel comfortable
Saying my inner emotions?
Always vulnerability
Always fear.
But with You
somewhere I Know
You're Listening.
So this paper version of Me
is given Breath.
Forced off the page and is Real.
How I wish that Power was Known.
So here again left with these thoughts,
Always Searching
Not always relevant.
But if I could just ask a question...
What does your brain prattle on about?
When no one is talking,
When things are quiet,
When walking, driving,
Being Alone?
What happens inside,
Where does the mind run?
Because if someone has a way
To turn this off,
To preoccupy with something else
To make this Stop.
I urge you to share.
Then again,
it must be boring in your mind...
Sometimes it leads to an adventure,
An incredible concept
A beautiful Thought.
How many have you had?
Why must I be the one to change?
Learn who I Am.
Who I am becoming.
Do not force ideals down my throat.
My opinion is strong,
This often obvious.
Do not feed me lines
and hurtful phrases when I know
You've done the same,
done worse
And Smile and the memories.
Recognize that I am a Person
With strong,
cognitive Thoughts.
Feeding me these lies
and Tantrums
will send me the opposite way.
There is no instructing
Guidance.
Act of Love.
Simply commands.
Follow orders.
When told not to push the red button
Do you not desire to
Only push the button?
Stop giving me reasons
But also know that a lot of this is
For Me.
Not to make you mad,
Or go against you purposely.
I want these things,
Desire for many years.
It's unfortunate you do not approve,
That it will disappoint
But it will Happen.
All that is left is this hell bending effort
to say how I feel
Regardless of the outcome
Because I cannot live life
Without acting upon my
Desires.
**July 11, 2013
