for two years
i have counted firsts.

first
time i
got hurt
drew blood
on accident
i
took a picture
and it was so innocent
but looking at the scars
on my arms
now
i cannot look at any cut
the same way

the first time i
cried
washed the dishes
put on a new shirt
slept
laughed
smiled
after mom left
i remember every one

i remember
sitting in the yellow room
of my sister's house
with the few things
i managed to grab
when mom kicked us out
listening
to the foreign sounds
of this new house
breathing
and making
a pretty little
asterisk
of red welts
on my forearm
with a
knife
for the
first time

tonight
was the first time
i played
ghost in the graveyard
since leaving
the first time
i ate a sugared
tomato
and i still remember
the first time
i learned
to not think
about
anything
that hurt
and now i wish
i could learn
again