There’s nothing better for these lonely nights
Than smoking a cigarette on the front porch.
I used to say that I’d never smoke,
But that was before everything happened.

That was before my heart was shattered by two lovers within the span of 6 months.
That was before I lost my aunt so unexpectedly and violently.
That was before I watched my brother brush with death
On the floor of this very porch.
That was before I held my 16 year old dog in my arms as she died in my front yard.
That was before a global pandemic turned everyone’s worlds and plans upside down.

I sit here and as I take a drag of this cigarette I can’t help but relate.
With each pull I’m getting closer and closer to being nothing.
When things are good, it’s like the nicotine buzz you get after not smoking all day.
But in between the buzzes, I’m reminded of the emptiness that somehow coexists with the heaviness in my heart.

I used to say I’d never smoke, but things change.
People change.
I’ve changed.
I’m still figuring out if it’s for the better.

m.h.