Growing up I was the "tomboy" a term
I now loathe.

My mom had a lesbian roommate, LGBT was widely accepted at my school, my brother is bi and my auncle non-binary.

I've been surrounded by this magical group of people and I have always supported them.

But for me it was different. The same rules didn't apply. I loved Buffy the vampire Slayer and other logo shows. But I became defensive when confronted or described with the term lesbian.

It was okay for others, I supported them and was excited. My family wouldn't have cared. But why did it sit on my chest like a boulder for so long? . . . No, not me. I don't like girls!

But did, I was the biggest flirt too!

I even loved a girl. I remembered being nervous in college orientation. She was sitting at a desk to my left. She was thin with big curly hair. I was nervous but I wanted to talk to her.

She looked at me with beautiful brown eyes, a cute little nose, and lips I found myself lost in. She was the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I was a stuttering fool as she asked to compare class schedules.

She became my best friend. We live together, cuddled, and took care of each other. For two years. When the relationship ended, she said she said she felt like she was loosing a boyfriend. Ew, not like that! I was defensive. I did not like girls. I couldn't have, the rules didn't apply to me. The next year it didn't understand why it hurt so much to pass her with her girlfriend at the gym. After two more years I would finally know why.

Working at the coffee shop I saw two lovely young lesbians sharing a *** of tea. Then she handed in an application. She met all of the qualifications. It was delightful to have her in my life. To watch how life could be. She was pretty patient and kind. She took the time to answer the hard questions.

That is the first time, I acknowledged that I might be gay. All girls find other girls pretty, right?

After along drive with my brother, he was convinced I am deep in the closet. How did he know? I didn't even mention it.

Flash forward and I told a boyfriend that I like girls. But it was a secret. That relationship ended. After a bit I told my following. I. Like. Girls. It was a secret. I still didn't want to tell anyone else.

Yesterday, I joined my first LGBTQ+ facebook group. I'm still hesitant to share with anyone I know in person other than my fiancee. He is a man and I do love him. What am I? Am I allowed to Identify as LGBTQ+ if I, a female, is in a relationship with a straight man.

What am I? What am I? What am I?

Probably pansexual. In reality, I am scared.

Today, I wrote this and I am cracking the closest door.