A helpful teen
with girly friends
on holiday
in Newquay
let the lesson
commence.

Can you do me a favour
if you're off to the shops;
pick me up tampons,
marked normal on’t box

Yep, no problem at all.

Wow, a real mouth stretcher
a jumbo wodge porker
it slaps the ground
as it drops from my mouth

But Lisa and Liam are playing charades
exchanging sniggers, a ***** gaze
and don’t notice it slip under the sofa
to die.

Should 16 years old boys
know what they are?
I eyeball bus stop ads searching for clues
as I arrive at my reckoning
the Aldiest, Aldi, I’ve ever seen

I stakeout the aisle
containing ladies’ things
You know, lipsticks, cotton pads,
water that smells
I check for security
before I begin
some premeditated
drive-by
purchasing;
Yes, just like when I buy condoms

****. That’s one massive box!
a gargantuan bedrock
why didn’t she say?
how will I lug that all the way?
Shall I say they’ve sold out?
And each box is different
pluralist rejoice!
but none providing normal
as an option or choice
  
A shop assistant enters the aisle
at high noon
I’m forced to ask.
**** it, **** life, **** me in the ****!

Excuse me, Tracey (ooh pretty name)
what size do you buy
when you’re investing?
IN THESE - I ****** a box into her face
I still don't know why to this day
She reaches round me
'here you are love'
and rushes to safety
under plastic tassels

As I heave home my prey
what hero’s welcome will I receive?
a metrosexual epithet?
a badge of honour?
a heraldic coronet? Nope

SUPER! what the heck?
How big do you think my ***** is?

Now
I grew up in a house,
3 brothers
no daddy
and mother rarely talked about
what went up there

Lisa, settles and pulls me aside
Places her hands on my arms
‘Now, close your eyes’
Remember
last summer
after the fair
We swapped cidery kisses
on the bench by the tree
when it got dark
you put your hand up my skirt
what did it feel like?
A warmed poached egg…

…Strange, but ok
But not like Cheddar Gorge
Not a draughty, cavernous, unending space.
a vacuum, encompassing time and space!

…goes unpunished.