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Jun 2020
From time to time
I compose a possible banter
Thoughtful and beaming with insight
full in fervor that spoils my ego

I fall to reality as I erase my words
My mind is made up, I wish not to offend with my interruption
Why disturb the sleeper with a specter's presence?
They live their lives with their gaze looking forward
rather than looking back to where I am

I close my eyes to turn the darkness darker
Listening to the constant sounds that rattles the walls
Focusing on the silence in between for peace

It is just me here alone
Dictating force upon the slouching body
Abusing it to do my deeds

I opened my eyes
and tried to write a letter

I deleted it all
I felt I began to ramble
and the rambling of a madman
is something that isolates the madman
alone in his madness

I sit here with my head buzzing
and swirling without any control
as I feel a sickness from the poisoning
that the void of a moment with meaning

Then I hit the wall hard and ask why!

I respond by typing

This is why!

This is nothing
Only a prostration before the chasm of chaos
What do you want me to say?
This is all you got
and that is what it is

What kind of a person are you if this is all you got
You sitting conversing silently with none to hear
trying to make any sense of who I am

So how is this going to end?

You are so tired
You should get some rest

Don't shut down
Answer me!

What could I say to you?
I wish I could get you to understand
that you bring me pain

Anxiety from the withering muscles and joins
of a body that had either been ruined by its creation
or the folly of the the fool that wore it down
Pains in my back and pains from the life you have me put me through
I am trapped in this body fumbling through existence
Suffering from lack of sleep
and from a relentless consciousness
that curses me with incessant ramblings
An unending line of thought
that blends dream and reality
shocking my mind into habits of criticizing all things

You make me angry
You make me wish I was in a different person
You live below the eyes of others
You are burnt by the simpleness of day
You lack what you once loved and you live putrid in your uncaring shame
You don't take care of yourself like you should
Your breath is revolting and you refuse to do the most simplest of actions
all because you just don't care

You live you life like you are going to die any moment
not caring about the mess you leave behind

If I could ask you this question
in a clarity of mind that I solemn come across
I want to know why you want me to die?

My life is that of a wonderful adventure
The collecting of experiences is like that of the collecting of jewels
Steep cliffs strain my legs but they are always conquered by my stride
Dreadful walls stand looming over me
but I know all walls are capable of falling

I know you are tired
I know you don't get any sleep
I am sorry

I am sorry I don't treat you well
because I truly don't think it matters
I don't know how long I will be here
All my luck could give out
leaving me at the bottom
feeling as if I belong there eternally

A fruition of a secret plan that  I have been building for years
A dive into the depths of true isolation
removing myself from those who could miss me
disappearing without them noticing

I'm tired
I'm alone
No one can help me in this way
A way that is locked within me
as I stand in the way blocking the path to freedom

I need to sleep
I'll feel better tomorrow
Justan Rahming
Written by
Justan Rahming  28/M/Vancouver, Canada
(28/M/Vancouver, Canada)   
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