better me than him.
why can't it be me instead of him?
he's never dreamt of half the mistakes i've made.
he is nothing but sugar sweetness and the cleanest purity.

no one who can and should is helping and they know that i will remember this. they best know that my closet is full of bones and hatchets unburied.
god as my witness, they will hear my screams of mourning.

mother would rather consult the computer and all the doctors are after a dollar.
can't they step back and realize he's in pain?
do they not know that a pure heart is bleeding out and the only one who cares enough to try and stop it is me?

if i could take on his pain, i would have done it yesterday when he arrived -- for then, he wouldn't know pain, know loss, know fear.
those words need not be in his vocabulary, those feelings need not be in his heart.
i would take it off his tiny shoulders.

angels aren't ours to keep, but god, could i have at least gotten 48 hours of his time before heaven reached down to reclaim him?
i knew he was heaven sent the moment i saw him.
no matter how it ends, i am thankful to have looked a heavenly being in the eyes, but i wanted to see his soul before it went back home.

why, why, why?