haven't been taking good care of myself
i only noticed just now
as i find myself on the cliff
looking over at an imminent breakdown
and find i cant even muster up the tears
to cry the frustration out
too dehydrated to shed a single one
simply just too run down
every surface has been sanded aggressively
every discipline ground
i'm nothing but a pile of shavings
of what used to make me proud
all the things that i thought made me me
i detest as of late
the person that i used to be
successfully erased
through such a severe season
all that buffer weathered away
slowly but surely i morphed
into the disaster i am today
staring in the mirror
waiting for my reflection to change
thousands more stories hide behind
that same naive face
hate seeing that little girl
so gullible and young
forced herself to be grateful
for things she did not want
told herself she's lucky they like her
and wrote herself numb
cried in quiet like it was wrong
for her to feel violated after what they'd done
hate seeing that little girl
hate herself so much
and even though i hate the past
i'm so grateful i woke up
and entered this unsettling alternate universe
where i think everyone wants me dead
they're out to get you
says that new suffocating paranoid voice in my head
it's much louder than the others
and it seems to be spot on i guess
it's miserable and draining feeling like
every opportunity to feel is a threat
but something tells me its better than
living in perpetual dread
i know i'm far from being okay
but at least i'm able to leave my bed