I hate anger
It was once so familiar to me
A crackling flame under my skin
Close to the surface
Now I am soft
Against harsh hardened hearts
Vain hopes
And the pitiful work of my hands
I pray for gentle souls
To work their light across acres
Where only concrete highways
Have paved their way
Built on a foundation of self preservation
I will not live forever
Maybe not even many years
You knew me
Came closer
Than I ever let anyone get
That’s the scary part
Pieces of myself I showed you
The aching hurting rejected pieces
Parts I put in the rooms of my mind
And shut the door on
Even to let myself in
Every time my thoughts
Try to wander in there
I remind them
That isn’t allowed
Those aren’t safe places
We aren’t ready
To face those demons again
Who knows if we ever will be
I hate these parts of myself
The red tape thoughts
I would burn them if I could
If they would light
But I can’t put my own body in flames
Whisper soft prayers
Against smoke meandering towards heaven
These thoughts will not remember me
I never knew them
Yet here I am match in hand
You my tinder
If only my mind would bend itself
Against the plight of the wind
She more sturdy than I
Maybe her voice a bit louder
A bit faster to the retort
I mumble over my words
The thickness of my tongue
Inconsistent in my mouth
I am no liar
But these words are white
I turn them over charcoal
Spit them out red
They mean nothing either way
Why waste my time
On the taste of passing sins
Will I look myself in the mirror in the morning
The eloquence of a bottle of wine
Passing from my speech
Sober eyes stare back at me
I have nothing to do with them
They are my own
I am my own fool
Screaming of my qualms
In the cobblestone square
And no one will understand me
I do not even listen to myself
I need help
But have no humility to ask
You would be to close to me
If you knew me
To far from sanity
Soft to you
Hard and harsh against myself
I can forgive the world of her wrongs
Hold myself accountable
As a martyr on the hill
For even one solitary sin of my head
My hands have not yet been burdened of
I ache for loneliness
If you can’t hear me
You can’t hurt me
I won’t let myself see you again
Because the hardness of my solitude
Is a feather in the grass
Against the stone fortress of your face
I am a fool among my own wisdom
A clown painting myself
With the oils of your hands
Nothing was real
Only the hairs on your head
Collecting in my shower drain
Soft skin in my sheets
Your lies weaving themselves
Through the splitting skin of my hands
I ache
You know nothing of guilt
All to much of me
I can’t believe I let you touch me
The soft parts I don’t like
Let you see the dark clouds
Behind the blue sky of my eyes
Nothing is real anymore
Except this small ache
In the left atrium of my heart
The ventricles talk back
Promising everything will be okay
There’s no way we could have know
I can’t sleep
I am tired
My eyes almost as heavy as my heart
Let me go
No, it’s the other way around
I’m letting you go
The bird in a cage
Migrating south
On the direction of it’s hollow bones
Should I start building my walls again
They served me well before
But then the light doesn’t get in
And I am afraid of the dark
Terrified you may fill it again
I already let you occupy enough of my head
If you could drown in your thoughts
I would be out in deeper waters
Than I know how to swim in
My shores are sunk
And my white flag
I may raise it
I may burn it
I may pray
If God remembers my voice
Ask him to come down
Take me home
Water washes away nothing
I am empty again
A small droplet of hope
That I will begin to fill
Tell me why
I am not yet broken
Against all the storms I weather
There is more to come
You are no good for me
No good
I knew this would come
I didn’t expect it to be so hard
I have been wrong before
Never so blind
My eyes will open again
May the sun on the horizon
Guide me to greener pastures
Where the dust of the stars
Falls untainted
On the ground
Of the Garden of Eden