It isn't toxic to want love
To wish for a future or to be the only one
Your point of view is from experience
But you aren't the only one

My past hurt & pain haunt me
That is known to be true
But it doesn't destroy my hopes
Of making things work with you

You are the one who did that
Subconsciously or not
The positivity you want back in me
Isn't going to appear within a seconds thought

My idea and desire of love
Is to simply be the only one
Take a single glance around you
You are the only one who wants to share ***

Everyone else around us is happy
Without a seconds care
There is never any worry of another
Cause another isn't there

Sure they have their issues
But in the end, they are well and good
Negativity phrased as reality
Such as a pessimist would

You want me to be positive
to be upbeat and happy
to tell you all my fears and woes
Making it sound so sappy

Rely on me but I won't on you
Define my efforts as nothing
Stop taking my tragedies as a person attack
I'm carrying my own weight on my back

Frustration and anger
Isn't the right route
You give me those responses
Then I will become as silent as a mute

I'll shut up as you say
And keep it even more locked away
Because it's those exact responses
That causes me to be this way

Don't try and fix me
That's not what I asked
Listen to me
but that ships has long passed

My views on happiness and love
I want my skills to be useful
because I want your happiness
I want to be truthful

I know my own value
That isn't the problem here
I just want to be able to help
To lend them a listening ear

Love me with all you can
Care for me as much as you can
Value me to what is my true worth
Show me those futures you plan

I'm not asking for your entire life to consist of me
I'm not asking for you to be unable to function without me
Love me with all your heart, that's all that I ask
Having only one isn't a difficult task

Your definition of toxic is in need of a recheck
Because you no longer understand what healthy is
You say I'm pushing you away, but can't you see
You are the one whos doing that to me

I've given you all my love
All my care and consideration
My positivities, my hopes
My fears all in dedication

But what have you given me?
Asides from making me feel less then what I am
Denying basic relationship things
Simply because you can

Because you fear the end results
So you refuse to place yourself fully in
So you deny every happiness
That keeps banging at the door to be let in

Caught up in a dream that is no longer there
Refusing to let it go, In turns keeping it under key
So it festers and burns and you criticize me
For not working through my issues, but look and you will see

I accept and move on, I work through my ****
I've already emotionally dealt with my issues
I don't let them interfere with my life as it sees fits
If you want to fix anybody than that person isn't me

I'm not the one who keeps revisiting times when I was free
I don't chase after something that should be left and gone
I don't keep making playlists, I don't keep wishing to go back
I'm not comparing everything you do to him and pointing out the sections that you lack

I closed a book on a page, a story where we left off
Secured into the great library of him and me
Closed but not forgotten
Securing to myself the finely decorated key

I'm not trying to taste both worlds
Putting the past and present on the same level
I will always have a soft spot for him, As I love him so dear
But I wouldn't put you and him so near

Would you be hurt if I told you that I loved him more
Would it hurt if I told you I wish he was still more
Would it hurt if I told you he was the best for me
Would it hurt if I told you that I wasn't the one who choose be free

I have an entire collection of over 100 poems for him
Entailing everything I love and adore of him
I have his shirt in my closet, the stuffed toy by my bed
I have those pictures still saved, listening to songs in his shed

I have his name in my head, the words that he said
The videos that we made, the places that we stayed
His necklace secured and his obnoxious laugh in my head
I have the future we envisioned and the promises we said.

Now wouldn't that hurt you
If I desperately kept chasing
If I flaunted it in your face
Continued that want which keeps my heart racing

If I told you I couldn't live without him
That he was the only thing I ever asked for
And was all that I would ever want
That he was the last time I was truly happy

It would.

I don't bring up his name when I tell you of my love
I don't make small comments in situations that he's done
I don't lose the excitement simply cause it's already happened
I don't fear and stop myself because things are overlapping

I don't selfishly chase because I know it would hurt you so
He doesn't run through my mind like many months ago
I don't put you in his position, avoiding things that could hurt
because I know you are both different and so I don't flirt

You are not him, and he is not you
I am not her, and she is not me
I know that as clear as day
So I give you a clean slate so they say

I know she helped you through the darkest point in your life
But so did he for me, he is also the only reason I am alive
He is the only reason I am who I am today
He is the only reason that scars and burns don't litter my entire body

He gave me my emotions, He gave me my happiness
He gave me my life and showed me the world can be bright
He means more to me than anybody ever will
Because to this day, he is the only one who never hurt me still

He was my entire life, He showed me how to live on my own
How to be independent and not have to rely only on my usefulness to other people, he taught me what a healthy relationship was meant to be, He taught me the difference between the toxic and the good

So no my view on toxic isn't skewed because "that's all I know"
Anybody around us knows what a healthy relationship is.
Sharing love is fine, but not in the romantic sense
Your current and your past shouldn't be on the same level

Because that in itself is unfair,
That and everything you do in regards to it
That is, what toxic is

You are the one who needs to learn that definition
Not me.

Because my understanding of it is clear
You're not the only one who's gone through those experiences.
So don't you dare try and undervalue my progress
and everything that has happened to me and justifies it cause you've been through it.

I know my self worth
I know my progress and efforts
And I continue to do everything in my power not to hurt you
You know this, and yet you can't do the same

Talk to me again about being positive
Because the most negative person here is not me

Learn your definition of toxic
And apply it to yourself.

I love you
But it's almost as if all your actions hurt
and the worst part above it all
Is that you know it

You know it.
Yet here we still are

I'm tired of fighting for love
Battling a ghost long overdue
Because I thought at least by now
You would have moved on too

But you haven't.

So what is it then that's wrong
What is wrong with me and what I am
Am I simply not enough
Are all my words and feelings just like spam
Piling up inside your brain

Just a pass time, as you wait for the real thing
The real thing that's meant to come back to you in time
Just like you've told me before
That she will come back

If she will
Then what am I fighting for
What use am I then
What's the point of me even still being here
What's the point of anything
If you refuse to make memories
To just let our time pass by like nothing special
Because I know its more special to me than to you

What the point of all my hurt and pain
If by the end of the day I'll just get thrown away,
Thrown away for what you truly want?
Like I'm nothing

What's the point if you can't love me
The person that's here with you at this moment in time
I don't want the excuses, I don't want to hear the
Because every reason that you give isn't enough
to validate any of this

You can ask anybody
And they will tell you I'm a fool for staying
That I'm a ******* idiot for loving somebody who can't move on
To love somebody that will never be fully in love with you
Or ever to completely and utterly commit to you

And I am
I am a ******* idiot
And yet I'm still here
After all this time
Still desperately praying that the guy I love more than anything
Will just love me the ******* same
To want to spend time with me, who wants to make memories
That wants to do the ******* and just love me
Just love with me with everything he has
And to be afraid to lose me
To be afraid to hurt me
That wouldn't knowingly do things that would
I just want to the one
Even if it's just for now
I just want to be somebodies "It" person
With no strings attached

I just want a normal relationship
Where I don't have to keep fighting and worrying
Because I know that I am the only one they love
and that I am the only person on their mind
Is that so ******* hard to ask for?

Is it really that hard for me to be enough for somebody
For me to the only person they love?

Because it seems for everybody else
That's just the normal
But for me
It isn't
And as much as I keep hoping and praying
I don't know if I'll ever have that.

**** I love him
But this pain
It's something different

-