i always

wanted to be in love,
to be the person that others groan at in the hallway,
swapping affections and possibly personality with the boy of my choice.
wanted to be wanted.

wanted friends to be jealous,
to say god i wish i had a relationship like yours
and ask questions about where we met and how we got along.
wanted to be noticed.

wanted my mom to talk to her friends,
complaining about how obnoxious i was and how infrequently i made my way home,
causing family members to ask on about my boyfriend at gatherings.
wanted something normal.

believed it was possible for someone like me to finally have something average,
something to give me acceptance into the social world.
wanted not to be the outcast i made myself out to be.
thought and then.

thought and then i met a girl with eyes like cool ash and shoulders so heavy, so broad,
it took everything i had inside me to help her bear the load.
knew, knew as a child, when i suppressed my urges to hold a hip like mine,
to dip a red haired beauty under warm ballet hall lights and instead be dipped myself.

knew, especially when i pounded against the walls of a tiny bathroom cubicle,
screaming my desperation at not wanting,
but wanting so much to allow myself to lick the space where her collarbones met her neck.
thought i had been brought up to have an open mind.

-but, darling, i needed so much more than an open mind for this.