i just i can feel it
i can feel his hands
i can feel his nails digging deep into my skin
the bruises that rose to the surface still hurt
my lungs burn because im gasping for air so sharply
that it almost feels like he is still there
like his grip is still around my neck
like my mother's voice still laughs in the corner
like i'm still focusing on the black fuzz that stains that mattress
trying not to focus on the pain in  my stomach
and i hear people
they say not to blame myself
but i can't help feeling that's maybe if i had just put up stronger defenses
maybe if i had done something to protect myself
i would never have been in this situation
like if i could have screamed a little louder
pulled my wrists from his grip a little harder
maybe i could have saved myself from being broken
but instead i feel
like my body is in a slaughterhouse
and like a pig i was cut  open and savaged for any man who
could pay the right price
i shake like a small dog and barry the truth
and i get what they say i get i cant blame myself
but i don't see anywhere in any place where this isn't my
fault
and all i want to do is cry
but us survivors we are supposed to be strong aren't we
but when does that kick in
when does the sour feeling
that is stuck in my stomach leave
i still feel like my body isn't mine