Why is during this month is the toughest for me?

It’s the first month of the year
And I feel I struggle the most with myself
With my mental health

I can’t seem to not let the past pain get to me but it does
I’m angry with myself
Angry that I seem to put her first before myself
That I’m always thinking about her
That is who I want to be near
Her side
Know what is she doing
Can I be there too?
Can I be there just to have your company
Can’t I?

Angry that I haven’t gone farther than I should
Always spending since it helps relieve some pain that I don’t have much
To relieve the feeling of not feeling loved

Angry that I can’t seem to look myself in the mirror

Clothes cover the flaws but the flaws are still there
Angry as of why was I made like this
Made with a sensitive heart
Made with such a big heart

The **** feeling of wanting to cry
The tears flow but still feel deep cut

Angry that Im letting this get over me
To take over my sleep

Angry that at the end of the day I think of her or another her
But mostly her

I don’t get it
My emotions
My feelings
My heart

01.08.2020