it was fun and it was beautiful while it lasted. but the thing is, it didn’t last forever, did it?
it was smiles and it was happiness until it just wasn’t anymore. we still smile and we still laugh, but it’s not quite the same because our eyes don’t always meet and sometimes our words are too personal to avoid. but i still have a piece of you in this capacity, so it’s okay.

we have the same sense of humor and the same tendency towards the dramatic, even if it’s hidden well. so that’s why when a friend of a friend asks me what my type is i say,

“Funny. And charming.”

but when my mother asks me i say,

“Serious. Intelligent and quiet.”

she nods and her smile looks more like a smirk and then her smirk looks more like a frown because she loved someone funny herself, once. she loved him for a very long time, but that’s over now.

“We never really change, do we?”

i ask her. she nods again and it’s that sad-smile again because he’s still funny and charming when he picks up my sister on the weekends and i’m willing to bet it still hurts.

that’s why she’ll never ask me about that day i didn’t get out of bed or the next day when i did, still tired with red around my eyes. because she knows. she knows more than i do. so now i’ll wait for someone serious. intelligent and quiet. his silence will seep into the spaces and cracks in my life like plaster until my heart is, not whole, but unbroken. he will ground me and balance me and will not have the slightest inclination towards the dramatic. he will not be you.
and that’s okay.
that’s good.