I do nothing but think
of all the things I might tell you
once we meet.

I envision conversations
where we share our past,
Because i have no one else to share it with.

I would notice the way you would
Not look at me differently
Even after you knew
What it was like to be me.

I imagine speaking softly
Embarrassed of my tears
Happily having you there,
Listening.

I would like the way
I knew you didn't feel sorry for me
But the way it felt
As if you knew my pain.

I don't want you to cry with me,
I just want you to wipe away the tears.
To leave me bare and empty
Until all i need to say is said
And the tears needed to be shed are shed.

But yet..
it never happens.

I stumble over my words in a fury
As you talk and talk
And it kills me
Knowing thew way you
Can speak with ease.
Talking about everything
You've been through and overcome.

All i manage is a nod of my head.
I can't even say anything reassuring
Or speak of my own.
I don't know how to start
or what to say.
I don't want to cry
Or want you to be sad.
I feel stupid and embarrassed and nothing is right.

The idiot fantasy in my head
was all wrong.
I was all wrong.
Of course i couldn't do it.
It happens every day.
I sit there and nod, you talk, i think.
Think of what i can say and then how you'll react.
I change my mind.
Then I think some more.