I keep looking at your birthday on the calendar
Wondering what you’d be like
It’s funny
I wake up some mornings and just lie still
Imagining how huge I might be already
How tired or ready I’d be
I imagine how excited or even how scared
But where you would’ve been is an emptiness.
There’s a little spot in my closet
A space up at the top
And in it is the tiniest pair of white shoes
And a stuffed plushie fox
With a face almost as cute as yours would’ve been
I don’t know why I kept them...
But I can’t leave them behind.
And there’s a book in the cabinet
It’s supposed to hold all of your first pictures in it
But all I have is one photo of a positive test
And a letter from the hospital
From the day we found out about you...
God it still hurts
It hurts so much to think about you
And to know that you’d almost be here
That I’m already so close to that moment
The one where I’d finally hold you
Finally look into your eyes
I didn’t know it could hurt so much
To miss someone you never met
But I miss you
I miss you so much that it kills me
I long for the moment we will never get to have
And it’s a struggle
Not to wonder what I did wrong
Or hate my body for betraying us both
I was so ready to do better and be better
To raise a person in love
And kindness and humility
I was so ready to be your mom
No one ever realizes how long that pain lasts
In the moment there are waves of condolences
Unsolicited advice
Hugs from people you never really knew
But months later I’m just alone
Looking in the mirror and willing myself to grow
As if my own stubborn prayers could make you exist again
As if my own thoughts could breathe life into you and make me whole again
And I wonder why
Why this had to happen to us
Why I couldn’t just be wearing stupid maternity pants
And staying away from fish and soft cheese
And I hear things like
You have to get over it eventually
It wasn’t even really a baby yet
And at least you know you can get pregnant
I hear them say at least it wasn’t that bad
At least you didn’t lose your child after they were born
As if my pain
Isn’t enough
Can’t compare
Isn’t valid
So I sit alone
Bathing in Christmas lights and well wishes
But all I can think about is that there are Two More Days
Before I was supposed to meet you.