Contentment is not an option for me
It's unimportant unimpressed
Peace is inadequate. Invalid even.
My strength Caries me to safety in small tasks.
In crumbling rafts, I fall and drift slowly but surely deeper and deeper.

Pure Success is not an option for me.
I fear I'll strive my whole life to achieve only an empty hopeless wanting
Religion is unprecedented in me.
No hope to be found as my soul wallows in dark soft misery.

All the while I look up to try and see the light.
I've yelled, "oh God show yourself please! For my sake!" But isn't that the point you aren't saved for you're own selfishness.
So, therefore, how can I ever be forgiven?  If I'll never understand his love again what hope is in my world.

My final thought brings me to moan these final lonesome heart-wrenching words. These are...

That Love is not an option for me. My soul can no longer find true love for people. I do not admire genuine character anymore. I do not sketch the image of warm sunken laughter on another's face into my mind. I do not memorize the sound of children squealing in excitement. Death no longer pains me. We are rather mutual friends.  I would rather scoff with the lowly for my one self-righteousness.  Greed and pride eat at my bones like wolves gnawing on a carcass in pity for themselves. I do not know commitment to another's heart and I do not understand how I ever will.  I feel unloveable. Untouchable. I am scared to be touched by someone's smooth loving fingers because I fear they will be hurt by my flaws.

Love. What is love? Will love ever be an option for me?