Nov 2019
Crush my bones into a fine paste
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead
