I stopped telling them.

How I felt. . .
What was going on in my head. . .
How much I hated myself. . .
What I was thinking cognitively. . .

I feel so small and fragile.
I feel lost.
I feel out of control.
I feel stupid.
I feel helpless.
I feel confused.

In my head I see this perfect image!
In my head I see pain!
In my head I feel pressure!
In my head I am weak!
In my head I am pretending!
In my head I hate everything!

I hate my thoughts.
I hate my smile.
I hate my laugh.
I hate my feet.
I hate how kind I am to people.
I hate myself as a whole.

All I think about is food. . .
Can I get away with skipping a meal?
How can I pretend to eat enough for me to be full?
Can I get away with purging?
How many calories is in that?
Why can't I have the willpower to just stop eating?

This is how I'm doing, yet I'm so terrified that I'll get looked at like a joke again.

I don't think I'm as ready for recovery as I thought I was. . .