Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.
Anger.
Sadness.
Betrayal.
Shame.
Guilt.
Confused.
Numb.

That last one is weird. Feeling numb is like feeling so many emotions all at once, you're not sure what to feel.
Every time I need a friend to talk to they are too busy for me.
They're hanging out having the time of their lives with other friends or even better, they're drunk.
Sometimes I feel like people are too nice to me.
It's like they're super sorry for me.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me anymore.
It made me feel too comfortable and I don't want to constantly feel sorry for myself.
I'm too nice to people.
People that take my kindness and use it against me.
I've felt like I've been the problem all my life.
I am not the problem, but I still feel the pain.
I'm better than this.
I'm stronger than this.
It just hurts so much!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger.
I feel like I'm staring at the very definition of a dissapointment.
I don't know where I went.
I disappeared.
I'm getting so much better.
I don't want to go back!
I know that those who really love me will support me.
I feel so jealous sometimes.
Why can't I have some of the things others get so easily?
My brother and I just can't ever catch a break.
It's always something.
Sometimes I want to not feel the pain.
Sometimes I think about getting drunk so I can feel at ease just for a little while.
But I can't because I could easily become and alcoholic like my dad.
Sometimes I want to do the worst drugs so that I can "feel" okay, just for a little while.
But I can't because I could easily become an addict like my mom.
I love college!
I will continue to stay motivated and not let this pull me back into the darkness.
I want to stay happy and close to those who really care.
My heart is hurting.
I've been thrown to the wolves for my weakness'
Being ***** by my older brother and being told tonight that I "wanted" it.
That I "asked" for it.
I'm just in so much pain!
Will it ever end on it's own?
Everyone seems so ******* perfect!
Even though I know they are not.
I want to stop feeling so alone.
I want to seem perfect in other people's eyes.
I'm always the one who ******* up!
I'm always the problem!
I'm the weak one!
Mental illness *****!
Having major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and the newest diagnosis of bipolar all *****!
In a perfect world, only those who really love and support me would exist.
That would put me out of the world though because I hate myself more than anyone.
I've so much more progress in my life than anyone in my family.

It's been a couple nights sense my hatred and anger felt threatening.
I was asked if I was homicidal.
I said only slightly passive thoughts.
I could never hurt someone but the thoughts made me feel like I was an inch away from committing ******.