you remain at all times,
in my mind, not so much
a whisper  but more of
a dull scream that i cannot
stiffle, even after years of
relentless practice

at times, in the night,
i awake frightened,
sweating, my mind
bloated with the fear
that maybe you ****** up
again

my eyes sore from
raining in my sleep

i reach out to touch
anything that might
assure me that it was
only a nightmare
& that you have
not just yet embarked
on yet
another
suicide mission

before, these dreams
were my  reality &
you never seemed to
be able to keep the
two apart for very
long:

the sleep,
the bills,
the ***,
the drugs,
the drink,
the endless charade
of doctors, bottles,
& new clothing
i watched in awe,
petrified by terror

but
despite the promises,
despite the progress,
you are forever hell bent
on sinking & leaving
no captives alive

you remain in my mind
at all times, breeding
anxiety, like spores
spreading their cancer

they are going to
eat you alive &
you let them
willingly
how can i carry that in me too?

i fear, maybe
you have contaminated
me as well :
to have absorbed you,
repulses me & i'm forever
purging these feelings
******* full circle


my anger, my void, my mind
bloated with memories of your
half-shell & filmsy pharmaceutical courage
you were eventually swallowing
everything you could devour
your consumption : horrifying

at least, before you
pretended to be full
dollar, appointment =
attention, satisification
if only temporary

now, your eyes lie flat,
you have become absolutely
nothing & it's the something
that rots my joy & agitates the
the demons you've passed on

still,
i ran away but you are never far,
the telephone brings your
contagion, manifest in words
i hear it in your voice
i cringe at the dial tone,
i tremble when you pick up
what bad news now?

at 15, she said she hoped
you would just die, i never
had the courage to agree:
preferring the slow boil;
the one that encourages
the fungal growth of your
disease. it takes root
everywhere.


you put me at dis-ease woman

die or don't.
antidote or arsenic?