I know it’s still summertime,
But I’m frozen here.
My insecurities eat my alive.
Being led merely by fear.
There is a small fraction of myself,
That wants to work at this and be better.
But the majority of my being
Says “it’s all the same, what does it matter?”

So I give her a kiss on the forehead and send her off.
That girl that used to have my name.
I tell her she’s right and I know I’m wrong.
But if I separate myself maybe we will come out of this okay.
And she pleads for me to just keep trying to heal the wounds I keep sprinkling with salt, and wondering why they never get better.
She reaches for my hand to keep me close, but I’ll never let her.

I know it’s still summertime.
I understand the calendar year.
I see the rays with my eyes just fine
But I don’t feel them here.
And there’s a glimpse of hope I sometimes get when I close my eyes.
But then their viciously pried open by my chattering mind.

Sweet, sweet girl. Your innocence is admirable. I’ve been burned so many times I’m finally numb to it all. I’m ok with solitude, although I used to crave company. I’m alright with sadness. It’s woven it’s way inside of me and now we blend, we mold into one, so every time I’m hurt I don’t come undone. I just keep climbing but with no goals because it’s the only way I know. Any version of myself that believes in a new season, I’m gonna have to let her go. I try to trust her gut instinct but in the end she hurts me so.
I’m okay with this burden, and carrying it on my own.