I’m useless, when I have no feelings of romantic attraction I’m safe and my best self.
But once my heart feels a beat, I’m a loser to myself and I lose my charm
The charm which compels me to be free

I don’t like me, so why should they?
I project the exact opposite of what I know is good, in order to perhaps cast away.
Do I not want myself to be happy?
Is that too much of an emotion to behold?

I try relax and connect with myself again but it’s this effort of trying that initiates the polar opposite

I’m sexually aroused by people who mistreat me -or in further actuality- who I make uncomfortable, self conscious and ultimately- encourage hate.
I need to feel hatred to arouse my love

People who are good, and good with my good, who allow themselves to be transfixed and emotionally, loosely captivated, maybe terrify me.
I freak, I freak out but in a different way that doesn’t make me act on my ****** senses  
Instead I turn to self-depreciation