That’s it...
Isn’t it?

That’s why you want
To feel the weakness in your limbs
For your body to fail
To tremble
To stagger and fall
Scarred and broken

That’s why you lust
After anything that offers
Alteration...
Caffeine for shakes and heartbeats
To impede focus
Work your body until it fails
Feel it giving out
Don’t eat... count the hours...
How long can you wait...?
Let blood sugar drop and spike
Take your meds, don’t fall asleep
Feel the heaviness of your eyelids
The fogginess of your mind
As you fight the encompassing night

Doesn’t really matter
Anything will do
As long as it’s clear
You’re struggling.
You’re in pain.
You’re done being strong.
Show them
Maybe someone will notice
Maybe someone will care

And if not...
You’ve had some fun...
Gotten a bit giddy...
Abused yourself a little...