Noone cares about a man's suffering. His death is just another excuse for you to parade your victimhood, to show how you've been hurt.
Whatever. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours and think about a few memories that dont cause me bitterness, like watering a plant or washing my hands or drinking juice.
I just dont know why im so caught up with this one person, maybe because they're living the life i want without having done anything particularly complicated. And was I that defective?
Was this self hate instilled at birth? Who taught me to hate myself, was it the world or just me.
I don't know so I don't ask I just wish there were more happy moments. You can't force happiness like ****,you can't squeeze it into submission. I can only try, and do the handful of things I feel are right and live without regret and resentment, but don't tell me I didn't suffer, and
Don't say you cared because I ******* saw you laughing when I was at my lowest and I just wish you could feel it for a day because you would have an 'attitude' too you ******* *****. Go spread yourself some more and call it "making love".

I need to sleep but this light is blinding me and art keeps talking. I will be better tomorrow. I'll try to be better so I can be god and I will be god because none of you exist