Okay.
I love my family, but they are the most toxic people in my life.
I love being happy, but being happy only means that bad things are to come.
I love my smile, but that's the only thing I like about my appearance.
I love having friends, but that only means I have to socialize and show my body in public and how awkward I am.

Okay.
Now that I have you all intrigued at the fact that I am trying to impress myself within society, here's the real deal...

I do love my family and they are toxic, but what does that mean?
That means that even though I wish to escape the abuse, I have to stick around because of my attachment issues that come with having severe anxiety when I can't make them all happy...it simply means I'm trapped.

I do love being happy and it is true that it means bad things will come. I'm also really terrified of being happy though because all my life it's been confusion and chaos that I've gotten comfortable with. Hospital stays, suicide attempts, medication changes, and staying in bed until I was sore!

I do love my smile and it is the only thing I like about my appearance. Hmm...why? " You are so beautiful just the way you are!" "God made you how he needs you." Look, I get it, I shouldn't worry about what I look like but how can I help it when everywhere I look I see "perfect?"
At first, I didn't eat for one meal, then two, then a whole day, and then 36 hours. It slowly turned into me eating "normally" and then getting rid of it by shoving ******* down my throat hoping my gag reflex would wake up...now I gag just swallowing food. I don't get rid of the food anymore, I'm getting help and realizing that food is not bad. I'm trying to accept myself for me...not for anyone else.

I love my friends...I really do, but society scares me into thinking that my friends don't love me. Social anxiety is something that I'm actually not diagnosed with but I should be. I mean when I have to take a tangle into the grocery store just to get milk and I skip plans with friends because I'm afraid of getting hurt by other people...I think I have social anxiety along with generalized anxiety where I'm scared and worried about everything!