There is a long awaited quiet
That finally commences
When it is nearly almost midnight
And I have spun my hours
Working and putting in time.

I try to find the balance
Drinking champagne, hoping for some kind of
General bliss
CBD pills do lighten the load.

Sometimes I feel a sadness
That I do continue
To attract
And bring in the kind of man
That cannot fathom choosing to be by my side
But would rather hide
From his own emotions.

I've adopted a palette
Of allowing myself to not care too much
I lay my body down
At last surrendering
Relearning to set boundaries
Right at the top
To call my own shots
And to give
As I walk out to sleep alone after.

I wish sometimes
That we could have stood a chance
And sometimes feel a lonesome quiet rage
That you did nothing but
Set us up
For a quick failure.

Do you remember when
Towards the end
You got to a place
Where you were able to tell me how you felt for me
You got to a place
Where you were able to exclaim
All on your own
That you weren't expecting to want
Want any of this?

You weren't expecting to want me
Is what you meant
As I write into the pavement
Into the sand
Into the volcanic ash
"Write to me."

I don't know that you ever will
I look for colored sounds to fill the void
I feel a deep longing for you in moments
I imagine you do too
And I wonder you ponder back
On my many words
Examining them with large blue eyes
Late at night
Its the hardest
Trying to stay away from you.

Its not even that there isn't attention
Options
But they all mean nothing
No, they all mean nothing
And it reminds me of how when we were good
I felt the capacity and desire to give myself away more
More often
To other men
In order to try and soften the blow
Of never really
Having you.

That might be my greatest regret
Just that

I never got to be your girlfriend.

I would have made you so happy
If you had just given me the chance.