So many small things occupy my mind

There are major revelations,
some minor hesitations and
some absolute truths
that just seem to get my back up
but only one truth.
It seems to circle around
and round
inside my tiny little brain
to come about to smack me
up the back of my head
trying to insinuate a sensibility
that I will always lack.

I heard the other day that you died.

It wasn't because fate intervened,

it wasn't the wrong place or wrong time...

You called the end to yourself...

The sadness I felt was not my pain at your demise
It was your pain, your ultimate decision
to decide that you were no longer worthy
to live, with a smile on your face, but with death
in your eyes.
You decided you could no longer live
beneath your disguise.

And we all thought it was ok that you went that way...

It was appropriate that you went out
in a blaze... be it of glory or opportunity
no matter how hard we tried to be disgusted
you, my friend, went your way.

So alright!

I know you didn't feel any pain
because you got what you wanted,
an end to the insurmountable mountains
less steps to climb, less breaths to take,
less mistakes to make, less truths to find

But tell me...

As you stand there in front of me, at the end of my bath
and watch me take the blade and make the cut,
do you laugh?
Do you mock me for my efforts to leave this world
of pain, do you pity me for my pretense or could you
sit for a moment and let me explain?

Could you sit for a moment and explain it to me?*

Because I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there.
I don't think you are there,
to greet me
I don't think there would be anyone on the other side,
to meet me.
There would be no one to say
"Hey... welcome?"

There would be no looking beyond the scars,
there would be no hanging around the stars
shining brightly upon all that was left.
There would just be anger and unjustified angst
and a small amount of amusement, just enough
to leave the bereaved that little less bereft.

I think about you everyday, and the way you died
I think about it everyday and even though I tried
I've never been able to to be happy for you
because you were able to escape
I've always been angry with you
that you regretted all you gave
your wounds where so raw and your actions
never, ever seemed to take shape

I share your same helplessness but I can't cut
any deeper because I see your eyes in your
Son and Daughter

and in them I see you
in them I see Love
in them I see me
and what I can give

and I know that I can survive the pain
if I look into their eyes,
which beg me to live!

Sitting in bath water gone cold
like a body that has expelled a child
There is no life left in the womb
but the outer shell will live for a while

So, thank you for your visit
I'll be ok, *I'm alright
I'm stronger than emotions
that want to strangle me in the night

I know you died a painful death,
in the end you made it all wrong
please don't dance upon my empty grave
I think, just this one time
where you were weak
I'll be strong