I wonder at times
About your face, your style
I wonder what your voice must sound like.

Can't you see that we both lost?
It wasn't me who took him away
It wasn't me who caused the tumble
But maybe it was.

You don't know how he looked when he spoke of you
Like he didn't care.
He told me I was cuter than you once.

Can't you see he hurt us both
Can't you see we both lost
Can't you see its not me who is your enemy
I wish we could have been friends.

Sometimes I think about you
And I wonder if our paths will ever cross
I looked for you more than I did him for a time
Thinking every ******* the street was you
Every time I heard a semblance of your name
The heat of my body would rise.

You have a history with him
I do not know, nor do I want
Sometimes envy grips me
And reminds me that it is not mine
To enjoy
Though my friends tell me
It is I who did not
Fall short here
With the *******
And the mistaken and heavy
Rhyme.

You didn't have to act like you weren't there
I didn't want to find out about you by accident
I bury you in the sand
Just as heavily as I do his deep blue eyes
And all the times he lied.

Can't you see its not you and him
Can't you see I'm the one who got away
Can't you see no amount of blocking
Pretending
Will wash it away?

I had to pace all around the premise
Haunted by your name
Haunted by his banished absence
Haunted by your ability
To keep him in tow.

Sometimes I feel angry and sad
My Philly friends don't acknowledge
My success or progress
Its like they don't even really care.
Sometimes I'll go look and compare
How they and others
Click like, like, like
Among the photos of others
But to mine they do not.
I'll internalize it
The very same way
I do the letting go
Of reaching and repeating
The never ending silence
That has come
Since I heard the bells chime on my door
As he exited
As I let him exit.

But I know it is not to be mine
Just as you were not
And nor was he.

So I'll take a final look around the balcony
And remember what it was like to wear all black lace
Bring him breakfast in bed
Only to know it would be you he would wake up next to
It would be you that would cause the tumble
It would be you that caused us all to come crashing down
It would be you that to keep his friendship
His work

But its me that left a mark
Of remembrance
Of accountability
Of haunting.