i have these moments where i just can’t imagine a future for myself
i lay in bed
lights off
candle lit
calm music playing
oversized t-shirt
no pants
soft blanket thrown over me
too many ******* pillows
staring at the ceiling
with nothing but this feeling like there’s no reason to go on
the future that i can’t see for myself? it’s coming and i don’t have to be a part of it
i can’t even imagine myself in it
i want everything to stop
i just want everything to ******* stop
so i sit for awhile
thinking of the ways i could do it
i come so close to it
i can feel the razor on my wrists
i can feel the pills in my hand
i think about my friends
and my family
i’m not going to lie and say they won’t miss me
i’m not going to lie and say they won’t be sad
i’m not going to lie and say it won’t hurt them
but i just can’t deal with this hurt anymore
and i need it to stop
so i sit there in my bed
just starting at the ceiling like i always do
unable to imagine a future for myself
or even want one