I hide suicide letters under my pillow. Letters that I wrote every time I lost a reason to live. Letters that I wrote every time I was tempted to slice open my vein; to slip into the darkness once and for all.

I have died each time I wrote a letter and I will live forever in the pain of my words and the dried stains of my tears on those aging pieces of paper.

My manicured nails are home to my anxiety, my fears. They haunt me every second of my day as they wait for the right time to come near.

I try my best and I try so hard not to listen to their murmurings that echo inside my brain. I try not to believe them when they say that I'm worthy of all the pain.

I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in my own sweat and tears. I am scared of the demons of my nightmares that now live with me and sleep in my bed.

A shiver runs down my spine whenever something good happens in my life. For I am accustomed to the feeling of loss and I'm scared if without my loneliness I'll survive.

I'm always building walls around me with the bricks of broken promises. I wonder if not trusting anyone is the only way of keeping my soul safe!

I hear echoes of sinister laughter of my God as he watches me battle with my life every second and every minute of every breath that I take. I close my eyes and I see him looking at me, enjoying every struggle that I make.

Your God might be your savior but mine is a puppet master who gets off on tragedy and heartaches. Maybe that is why all I have ever felt was the pain.

They read my poems and ask me if I'm depressed. But I don't know what to say for I'm not sure if I know the answer to their questions, I'm not sure by depression what they want me to say.

So I ask them what it feels to be depressed. Is it the never-ending void that demands to be filled with poems and stories of the pain? Or it is a stranger that makes a home inside our mind and becomes our friend?

I don't know if being happy with sadness makes any sense. But it is easier that way, to wake up in the morning not expecting to have a good day. It's comforting to set out on a journey without a hope of finding your way back home!

- Karishma Yadav