Deep inside of my bones I feel

I feel the need to

Be hurt

Broken

And abused

Even though I know that

I don't deserve that

Nobody deserves that

And yet I'd still take the beating

For anyone else

If not to spare them from the pain

Then it'd be to feel the pain for myself

But sometimes

I can feel it

In my hands and on my tongue

The compulsion to hurt

To destroy someone

To see them crumble

So that I can watch them

Build themselves up again

And come back

And give me the pain I'm due

And yet

I can't bring myself to harm anybody

But myself

And recently

I haven't been able to do that either

I'm scared of myself

For all these thoughts

And aches

And deep desires

But at least

I can find comfort in the fact that

These are but sick fantasies

That will not play out in reality

Ever

I keep my mouth shut

And hands to myself

And I can only

Keep thinking these thoughts

And wonder

What it would be like to

Perform them

Like a show

An act

A performance

Tears would stream down my face

But I would smile

And that'd be the key detail

To my pain