I can’t stand this
Why are you pretending to be the one who’s done nothing wrong?
I mean, you can’t do that to me
We used to be friends
We used to be so close
I used to be so close
I was so close to you, so close
I’ve never been closer to anyone
And I told you so much
And none of it was ever a lie
I swear, I never told you a single lie
And I can’t stand the fact that you’re not even bothered that we ignore each other
That we avoid each other
That we don’t make eye contact with each other
Even though we live in the same apartment
And how did I not noticed how double-sided you are
That the moment we grew apart you became so close
So close to the person you started talking against
You’re laughing so hard
So hard with the person you started talking behind their back
You’re having so much fun
So much fun with the person you started complaining from
How amazing do you think you are
Being able to pull that off
So-full-of-****
Hay, hello, remember me?
Yeah, we used to be friends
Yeah, you told me how your mother
Said she likes your brother more
I was the one hugging you while you were crying
Yeah, you told me how your grandpa committed suicide because you found out too late about his Depression
That he was depressed
I was the one hugging you while you were crying
Yeah, now you only talk to me telling me to take my still wet plate off ‘cause you’ve got dishes to do
Yeah, I’m still around if you were wondering
But don’t bother, if you would even do such a thing, don’t bother asking how I am
Because last time you did, we were still friends, and I didn’t answer
Because last time you asked, I wasn’t fine
Last time I couldn’t talk
Because it hurt too much
And I don’t know what hurt
But it hurt
And I couldn’t tell you it hurt
Because I didn’t know why it hurt
And you can’t say that it hurts and then not tell where or why or since when
Because when you don’t give reasons, it becomes so “attention seeking”
And I wasn’t attention seeking
I was reason seeking
I was meaning seeking
I was support seeking
I was understanding seeking
So I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And you couldn’t see the giant gulp stuck in my throat
Even when it was poking out, when it stopped my breathing, when it broke my jaw spilling it out
So I, still thinking that you will wait for my recovery, still thinking that we are so close with each other, that we are just distant for a while, I wrote you a letter
Still being in my “depression mode”, I wrote you a letter
Trying to explain to you, only you, I’ve never tried explaining it to anyone, that I’m so sorry for being difficult right now, that it’s not my fault that I can’t cope right now, that I don’t want this to be like this
And you didn’t even bother
You didn’t even bother
To reply
Just
A reply
And I
I, I broke
Because you couldn’t understand my Depression
You couldn’t see my pain, even though I was writing it down for you
Only you
And you didn’t even bother
You see, before you encountered my Depression, I used to think that we are so alike
I used to think that you would be the friend that I would want to spend my vacations with
Now I don’t know what I liked so much about you
Now I can’t find a single thing we have in common
And now I don’t want to be even as half as close with anyone as I was as close with you
And I’m, I’m afraid of calling anyone my “friend”
Because, I thought I know you, so I called you “friend”
But I didn’t know you, and I was trying to let you know me
And I was doing my best, showing you every particle of me
And you were only my “friend” when I was okay
And when I wasn’t, you couldn’t handle me being ignorant towards you
Because I couldn’t listen to your stories at that time
And you couldn’t be bothered with dealing with me… having Depression
I don’t consider that “friendship”
And I won’t let anyone so close as seeing that I have a gloomy side
Because I can’t expect that anyone would want to stay
When even you left