11.22.18 - 2.22.19

This week marks
three months gone
of thousands of months
I plan to live

The day I gave myself
to the comfort of my True Father
instead of to the discomfort
Of a Blade.

I now ignore that sense of lust
for the sight of my own blood
the addiction I found
in spreading lies across my arms

I've given up the sense of calm
I found in watching my skin heal again
Reminding me that I was utterly human
yet somehow invincible

Except I wasn't...

Every time I glided a tool across my arms
or my thighs
or my stomach

I was shoveling myself
into a deeper hole
And while I was at the bottom
Someone was at the top
Filling it in,
not knowing that someone...
That I was inside of it.

As I cried tears of hurt
With the person who cared,
Someone handed me down a ladder.

But I had to choose to climb out
I had to decide if I wanted to stay in darkness
Or release myself to the light...
not the bad light that you see as you die
but the good light you see when you discover
that you are noticed and you are loved

Because isn't that why this whole thing started
Because I felt invisible
Because I was not just one of many
but I was the last of many

Self harm is a trap
That wraps you up in the cold
But you never get fully warmed
Because you're always losing blood.

I'm three months separated
From the act of self-hatred
But I'm always just three steps away
From being right there again.

Strength. Determination. Love. Self Love.
Those are the things that keep me in check.
Mother, Brothers, Friends, Students
Those are the people that keep me safe
And warm... the real warm
Not the fake warm that comes from being wrapped up
In a nice thick blanket.
But the real warm
That could make your heart swell
Even when you're alone.