Jan 2013
I admitted every wrong thing I have ever done.
ALL OF THEM.
I had to give the grand list of all of my resentments, fears, harms, and ****** misconducts I had ever committed in my life and tell all of it. All of the gory, gritty, *****, uncomfortable wreckage and baggage a person carries that you would never tell anybody, not even your best friend or wife. Not just that, I had to find the resentments I had in my life and discover where the fault in my actions had me at fault...
I will not go into any detail about what I said on that mountain that day.
All I will say is what I found out about myself.
I had realized that every resentment I had was because I did not get my way, that people didn't do what I wanted them to do, and that I couldn't have complete control. All of my fears came from me not being able to to control these situations. This fear was born because I wanted to be accepted and if I wasn't, I had to find a way how to be accepted, no matter what. Through my pain, I created a fear of other individuals in which I wouldn't let people close to me. I was hurt by the girl I lost my virginity to and in turn, I treated women like they were all objects, and used them, out of fear that I would be hurt again if I didn't treat them badly first, or treat them as they “deserved”. If I didn't like what happened in a situation, either with a job, a girl, a friend, or anything else, I would turn it into a resentment and blame others. This roundabout of negative reinforcement in my actions created a long and downward spiral which to this day has governed my actions to put on a mask. Behind that mask, was an illusory person that would prey on others or target and focus on things I wanted, regardless of the repercussions.
It was explained to me that I had the unnatural ability to get what I want from people through reading and listening to them, and was able to do it very quickly. Within ten minutes of talking to me, I could know your personality, your insecurities, your desires, your strengths and your weaknesses. As an example, when I would see a girl I liked, I would unknowingly look at her, target her and find her vulnerabilities, likes, dislikes, habits, turn-ons or anything I could find out that would help me get what I wanted. I would use these things to my disposal and manipulate this person, upcoming situations, or other parties to create an atmosphere or climate which I could have control of and then ****** this person through mind games and lies to get what my sick mind wanted.
Now hearing this about myself and coming to the realization that this is the way I have behaved in every relationship I have ever been in, I was horrified. My immediate reaction was that I had just envisioned and compared myself as a cult leader, a serial killer, as a mob boss...
As a predator.
I knew the only thing I could do in my heart at that moment was exactly what the program I was in called for. Complete honesty and desire to be relieved of these defects of character and how to do what I could with these skills to help others for good. I asked what I should do... He said, “Pray”.
I asked the universal force I understand to be the creator of all things and myself to give me the strength to do with me what I could not do for myself. To let these things wash away and give me the strength to change the things to come which I could not in the past, and let me walk through life as a person I want to be. I ask for vision as I write this to remember what I have learned and not let it slip away or be buried by fear and self-hate. To let myself be okay within my own and do what I know is right. Just when I wake up tomorrow, I'll remember.
ALL OF THEM.
I had to give the grand list of all of my resentments, fears, harms, and ****** misconducts I had ever committed in my life and tell all of it. All of the gory, gritty, *****, uncomfortable wreckage and baggage a person carries that you would never tell anybody, not even your best friend or wife. Not just that, I had to find the resentments I had in my life and discover where the fault in my actions had me at fault...
I will not go into any detail about what I said on that mountain that day.
All I will say is what I found out about myself.
I had realized that every resentment I had was because I did not get my way, that people didn't do what I wanted them to do, and that I couldn't have complete control. All of my fears came from me not being able to to control these situations. This fear was born because I wanted to be accepted and if I wasn't, I had to find a way how to be accepted, no matter what. Through my pain, I created a fear of other individuals in which I wouldn't let people close to me. I was hurt by the girl I lost my virginity to and in turn, I treated women like they were all objects, and used them, out of fear that I would be hurt again if I didn't treat them badly first, or treat them as they “deserved”. If I didn't like what happened in a situation, either with a job, a girl, a friend, or anything else, I would turn it into a resentment and blame others. This roundabout of negative reinforcement in my actions created a long and downward spiral which to this day has governed my actions to put on a mask. Behind that mask, was an illusory person that would prey on others or target and focus on things I wanted, regardless of the repercussions.
It was explained to me that I had the unnatural ability to get what I want from people through reading and listening to them, and was able to do it very quickly. Within ten minutes of talking to me, I could know your personality, your insecurities, your desires, your strengths and your weaknesses. As an example, when I would see a girl I liked, I would unknowingly look at her, target her and find her vulnerabilities, likes, dislikes, habits, turn-ons or anything I could find out that would help me get what I wanted. I would use these things to my disposal and manipulate this person, upcoming situations, or other parties to create an atmosphere or climate which I could have control of and then ****** this person through mind games and lies to get what my sick mind wanted.
Now hearing this about myself and coming to the realization that this is the way I have behaved in every relationship I have ever been in, I was horrified. My immediate reaction was that I had just envisioned and compared myself as a cult leader, a serial killer, as a mob boss...
As a predator.
I knew the only thing I could do in my heart at that moment was exactly what the program I was in called for. Complete honesty and desire to be relieved of these defects of character and how to do what I could with these skills to help others for good. I asked what I should do... He said, “Pray”.
I asked the universal force I understand to be the creator of all things and myself to give me the strength to do with me what I could not do for myself. To let these things wash away and give me the strength to change the things to come which I could not in the past, and let me walk through life as a person I want to be. I ask for vision as I write this to remember what I have learned and not let it slip away or be buried by fear and self-hate. To let myself be okay within my own and do what I know is right. Just when I wake up tomorrow, I'll remember.
