Hi I’m Fidel,
I hate salad, specially in a burger,
So far I’ve been with 62 girlfriends,
None of which I regret being with or saying anything,
I love challenges but I hate being monotone,
I love being spontaneous,
I hate schedules,
I don’t know how I’ve got your attention, but I did,
If it was worth your time it means I wanted you here,
If you are reading this or maybe even hearing this;
I may seem big, but in a crowd I’m the smallest,
I may seem strong but that’s just because I am numb,
I may seem stable, calm and funny, but in reality I’m one-hundred different people at once trying to find myself, I’m always very stressed and so I let it out with corny jokes and terrible pick up lines,
I currently deal with depression, have been for the past 3 years,
Social, chronic anxiety,
I love you, but I’ll be honest enough to say I won’t be the boyfriend taking you out to dance every week,
I love dancing, didn’t always, but met a great woman that forced me into it, becoming a great passion. I love swing dancing, something about the intimacy with a complete stranger makes me so unaware of my surroundings and my own state of mind that it completely shoots me off to somewhere I can never go back,
If we ever leave the house, I’ll always be smiling, but only because I wouldn’t wish anyone thinking you did something to upset me,
Someday you might come home and see I’m full of rage and completely mad, you might even say you can’t recognize the lover you’ve been with this whole time, and honestly, there are a few days
Actually more than a few, where I can’t recognize myself neither,
I see life as a journey and love as an experience,
Every heart break is just more experience being added to me, and not more reasons to stay away from it,
I’ll buy you flowers, I don’t know if you like sunflowers, but I love them, they remind me of a simpler time when it was easier to be happy,
Every little game, girls would play at my school, some of which included picking off every petal of a sunflower, honestly one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done,
I haven’t done it since 5th grade, and I probably never will, not because I’m too much of a “man” to do it, whatever that means, but because I can’t get myself to look back at my younger self and be proud of it.
As a young kid I always imagined my older self as a strong independent man that didn’t rely on anyone but himself, looking at myself now I rely on everyone but myself.
I like to lay in bed and listen to music with headphones on, even if no one is home, the song feels more personal and it helps me connect with the lyrics,
I’m a strong believer that we as humans enjoy any song when we are happy, but we only truly understand its meanings when we are sad.
I might get home sometimes and just fall on you, well that’s because I find home within your arms,
And no I don’t care if you are smaller than me and can’t put your arms around me, I just need to feel your body warmth there to make me feel safe.
Mostly everyday, I feel scared of leaving my bedroom, no specific reason which I can put my finger on, I just don’t enjoy it very much,
Instead of spending the day at a park,
I’d rather sit on my bed and listen to music, drinking pure black coffee while looking outside my window and seeing all the life there is,
Life truly is amazing and living, is a blessing,
I just ask that you please give in some of your sanity to walk this journey with me,
I don’t understand myself and god knows how much I wish I did,
I’m not asking for you to be my psychiatrist, nor my doctor and definitely not my mother,
I just ask for you to be there on a rainy day when I get home tired and completely drained from a few hours away from home,
I don’t ask that you cook, I ask for you to lay in bed by my side when you see me with headphones on,
You might think I’m hiding something because I’m quiet,
But deep inside my head I’m just trying to **** all the other versions of myself so I can let out my try feelings and say
“I appreciate that you are here for me, and I love you for the person you are,”
Please don’t punish me if it never comes out,
This is all new to me and in a world of pain and hunger,
I am nothing more than a crumble of bread.
I’m a broken window but that’s how the light gets in correct?
I behold every problem in this world but I’ll be by your side throughout any problem, it could be as big as our house or as small as an atom, I’ll help you with it, no matter what,
But please be aware, we are both humans, we make mistakes, I’ll attempt to be perfect, but there’s no way to escape from myself,
it is all about perspective.