Why is the thought of being happy
so difficult, so daunting?
What is it about the future that frightens me?
Perhaps it's my past.
I've never been anything
more than promising;
anything more than
two years away from two years away.

Happiness for me is a leap of faith,
of letting go, of jumping out.
It's a surrender of my greatest possession
in exchange for some thing
I can't even hold in my hand.
Death is tangible.
Happiness is not.

Besides, am I even worthy of it?

You've fought hard for so many years
You've turned back so many dark thoughts
You've saved yourself so many times.
You're beyond worthy.

Happiness is your reward,
even if it's just fleeting,
like a breath of fresh air.
Don't think about how you got here
or where you' re going,
just close your eyes,
just for a moment,
and smile.