We didn’t know each other too well,
I thought of her as the prettiest girl in the class,
Intelligent but shy.

It was just the 20 minutes every Sunday of the Catechism Class
Which I attended out of constraint
Only when my lies fell flat
And mom wasn’t convinced


We connected the most in the last two years
Gossiping about boys
and
Taboos of Catholicism
She only listened with gleaming eyes
And I was the loudspeaker that shimmered her tears
A few minutes, perhaps an hour every month.

Then, I heard she had cancer.
I tried visiting her,
But she wouldn’t come out of the house,
Her mom said she didn’t want the world to see her hairless head
The Chemo had taken a toll.

Then I saw her in the choir section from the balcony
On a cold Sunday morning mass,
I caught her out of blue when the mass ended
Her hair was back, up till the ***
But my smile dwindled when I saw she had but one hand
I couldn’t talk a lot
So I told her ‘God Bless’,
Walked away and cursed god for his twisted blessing.
Cure for a hand.

Then, I heard she died yesterday.
10 Years fighting bone, blood and breast cancer.
I couldn’t stop my sinus tearing.
They were hot from the guilt of not catching up,
They were gushing out of the sorrow she was better than me,

Then why not me, but her.
I am a sinner. I should’ve been taken.
I took my childhood diary
It was the same words I had written 10 years ago.

Why her? Take me instead.

I played the
Prayer for the Dead
The Holy Mass on Loop
And I realized
I was never gonna meet her again.
She will go to heaven.
And I will look up from Hell.


I don't have a photo
I don't remember her voice

Just
A fading smile
A forced respect
God, will I remember her ten years from now?