There is a heat that comes
A sharp short pain
Usually followed by a coming of tears.

I drank wine with a girlfriend tonight
And talked incessantly about you
I went on a date earlier today
I open myself up, I'm opening.

I'm so good at this at times
Until the reminder of how in love with you I am
Comes back like a swing set of swords
And I realize with immense pain
That you seem to do everything you can
To avoid feeling real love
For me.

I recycle in my head
The ways that you did or didn't
Like how you tried to put your arm around me
Wiping away my tears
When we are together everything else seems to disappear
Don't you feel it
Don't you feel it too?

Loving you has been and always seems to be
Filled with pain
I sit in my silence
In order to try and establish
Not needing or wanting you so much
But also because I need to see
You, try.

I know you will
But I wonder if I make myself new for you
If I could just be that quantity you desire
You seemed somewhere along the way
To decide that you don't mind
Sharing me
So I do my best to lean into that
I do my best.

This relationship with you
Has been one of the biggest challenges of my life so far
And so I stand strong as you said
But not because you said to

But because I'm whole and full
And beautiful and so ****
Enough in myself
To do it.

For now.