it happened abruptly, really -
up at 3am again,
to feel nothing at all
instead of everything at once.

the dull ache behind my eyes and tucked in my shoulder blades and nestled in the pit of my stomach
is all that's with me.
not the shadow,
the faint imprint,
of who i want to be here.

i think that maybe
if i just tell myself that over and over
one day it'll stick.