I’m really ****** up you know
Sometimes I just think about that
I’ve spent so much time in the dark
Surrounded by nothing but my own demons
And everything I feared
I went mad
Not the crazy, shrieking type of mad
The quiet type of mad
The one that stares blankly
When inside their heads all they hear is screaming

I’m really ****** up you know
I spent so much time being punished
For no reason
Just because it was the will of the wicked
And so I came to expect it
And I became so **** afraid

I’m really ****** up you know
It’s like I’m drowning oh so slowly
I gasp for breathe and I think I can survive
But the next wave comes and pulls me under
And I am surrounded by all the water that suffocated me before
So I’m sorry if I cry
And you just can’t understand why I’m so afraid
Because you don’t know
You can’t imagine what I am

I’m really ****** up you know
So when you hear my story
When I trust you with my pain
Don’t look at me and wonder why I dig my nails into my palm
Don’t wonder why my knuckles are ****** and bruised
Because you don’t understand
Pain is my only constant
The only thing that hasn’t left me

I’m really ****** up you know
But I’m not destroyed
Because although I have suffered every punishment that the world could throw
I’m still here
I hope you realised what that means
I hope you know how much easier it would have been to give up and fade away
And how tempted I was
Because I wasn’t strong
And I just couldn’t cope with a constant onslaught of loneliness and misery

I’m really ****** up you know
But when you see me smile
Don’t doubt my story
But weep with joy for me
Because the simple smile that you see is nothing short of a miracle
And if you could see everything I have been through
You would know how ****** up I am
But you would be surprised that I’m alive
And you might even say
That I deserve to smile